Parenting Philosophy

Having another baby on the way has me reflecting back on last [almost] 3 years and what I've learned about becoming a parent.  I think for the most part I'm a non-extremist parent, I just sort of float in the middle of most parenting philosophies and do what works for us... but maybe to others I seem extreme on an issue, depending on where they land on the parenting spectrum.  I think looking back at Jace's first 3 years, there are definitely some things I would do differently, but such is life!  I would never seriously give any sort of parenting advice, ever... as I'm far from perfect.  But I think it's helpful to share what you've learned as a parent and be real once in a while.  Here are my "ah-ha" revelations about parenting {3 years in}.

Labor doesn't suck, the first 8 weeks do.  Labor is nothing compared to what's going to happen to you during those first 8 weeks of baby's life.  Where do I start?  When you're pregnant with your first you get tricked into thinking that labor is the end of your uncomfortable pregnancy and the beginning of your amazing life as super-mom... and then all of a sudden you find yourself at home by yourself with this little red wrinkly baby who won't stop crying and pooping on you.  Your "milk has come in" and no one warns you how incredibly painful engorgement is going to be... and how much you are going to look like Dolly Parton.  You can't sit down... (let's just not even touch on that one).  You are getting the shakes from lack of time to grab a one handed snack while your baby screams in your ear.  You can't figure out why your baby hates you so much and won't stop crying... they won't eat, they won't sleep, and won't do anything but frown at you.  You dedicate every waking moment of your life to this little person and they won't even smile for at least the first month.  Depressing.

Then someone will rescue you (you'll probably have to cry your ugly cry on the phone before this happens) and swoop in and give you 10 minutes to yourself to sit in a corner and rock back and forth.  Then you'll realize you really do love your baby.  From this point on you won't ever stop worrying "Is THAT supposed to be THAT color??!"  (this is where Dr. Google comes in with his evil ways)  "Is he breathing?!"  (as you wake up every 20 minutes to check)  "I don't think he's eating enough"...  Then, in the midst of all this worrying, you'll realize you haven't washed your hair in 8 days or worn anything but stretchy pants and a tank top in weeks.  You'll decide, for your poor husbands sake, to take a shower, put on jeans (that magically fit but you're too tired to care), and make an amazing home cooked meal.  He will love that frozen pizza and things will start to look up.

Ignore the woman in the grocery store giving you the stink eye.  At first you won't be prepared for it, that random comment from a stranger (always a woman, in case you're wondering) to let you know you're doing something wrong.  The first time this happened to me I was in a grocery store with both Tate and Jace.  An older woman muttered so that I would hear "That poor child doesn't even have shoes on, he is going to freeze...  grumblegrumble parents these days grumble idiots."  I didn't respond all that well... let's just say Tate was sitting in the corner with his jaw hanging on the floor at my reaction... it wasn't my finest post-pardom moment.  Then as months and years go by you'll realize that these evil women think it's their job to let you know that you suck as a mom, as does everyone else in your generation.  I've found the best response is no response... just a long blank stare.  Hold it for at least 10 seconds... even as they start to walk away.  Silence scares them. 

Don't get a big head.  There is this magical phase in parenting where you really do feel like super mom.  It's from about 4-14 months.  Your baby loves you, you love him, he's sleeping more, you shower occasionally, you go to playdates with other babies and talk about the coolest new baby gear while your babies drool on toys, you even occasionally do something by yourself.  You'll think you have it all figured out... you'll judge those who have tantrum throwing toddlers in public.  You'll start to feel superior.  That's when karma kicks in and your baby turns into a toddler.

Try not to kill your toddler.  There is really no other advice I've found during the terrible twos that could possibly be helpful.  Just. Don't. Kill. Them.  You will likely go to bed night after night feeling like you're the worst mom who ever lived... only to find yourself sneaking in to get one last guilt-ridden peak at that devil child who now looks like an angel while he sleeps.  Your heart will swell, tears will well up in your eyes, and you'll vow to try to be more patient the next day.  The next day will come, you'll get slapped, bitten, spit on, yelled at, tears will fly for no reason, your voice will be ignored, you'll sprint after him running into traffic, you'll be called names and talked back to, you'll wonder what happened to your precious angelic baby... and this will continue until bedtime when the guilt will set in again.  It's good to plan on not being pregnant during this phase.  Wine is the only parenting tool that will really help you find the strength to get up and face another day.  Wine while pregnant is frowned on.  :)

Don't compare.  It starts in pregnancy, comparing symptoms.  Then in infancy, comparing milestones... and grows into the worst comparisons as your kid turns into a toddler and preschooler.  Comparing intelligence, skills and behavior.  It's an easy trap to fall into... but just don't.  Nothing good ever came from comparing children.  Usually the only reason people compare is to either 1) make themselves feel superior or 2) make themselves worry.  Neither are good.  Every. child. is. different.  No one goes to kindergarden not being able to pull themselves up or stand independantly... no one goes to high school still throwing temper tantrums and hitting their friends.  Not to say you shouldn't try to show your children how to be the best they can be... but just don't caught up in comparing so much that your forget to enjoy your child.  And it's worth being noted that some babies sleep through the night immediately and never cry, and some toddlers never get naughty or throw tantrums or risk their own lives 15 times a day... life's just not fair.  You can really only pray that those parents get pay back during the teenage years. (kidding... kidding!)

Do what works, and when it stops working... change it.  It seems like there are so many "parenting styles" that are all inclusive.  Sometimes you may feel the need to fall into one of these categories perfectly... you either sleep with your baby or let them cry it out in their room... either only lovingly discuss "feelings" with your child or you spank them... you either cloth diaper or use disposables... breast feed or bottle feed... eat only organic or hit the drive thru.  It's way too much unnecessary pressure to fit in to one of those beliefs and never sway.  I've learned you do your best, and when something stops working... change it and move on.  Jace slept with us until he was 9 months old, never once sleeping through the night.  Finally I just couldn't survive on no sleep anymore and put him in his own room and he cried and cried, and I sat outside his door crying harder... then he slept through the night and I realized the change was a good thing.  I breastfed until 11 months, but had stopped enjoying it around 10 months... it had become a hassle and something I had started resenting... I kept pushing and then realized I was aiming for this magical "first year" mark that pediatricians recommend and making myself crazy in the process.  I stopped.  Jace took a bottle and couldn't have cared less... the guilt lifted and we were happier people.  Change is good.

Don't be too extreme.  There is nothing that makes me more proud then when I watch Jace scarf down a healthy meal.  He drinks a smoothie packed with fruit, flax seed, greek yogurt, and spinach almost every morning.  I could sit and watch him eat a big plate of whole grain pasta with homemade spaghetti sauce packed with mushrooms, spinach, tomatoes, and organic lean ground turkey all day long.  It's his favorite.  You know what else is his favorite?  Taco Bell.  The kid loves Taco Bell, can recognize the sign from a mile away, and knows his order there by heart.  **shrugs**

Keep your own hobbies.  This one is hard at first... kids are needy little creatures, especially when they're brand new.  Try to remember who you are as a person and occasionally take time to yourself.  Go out on girls nights, go shopping by yourself for the afternoon, do what you enjoy doing (and let them be the "passenger" once in a while)... it's good for them and it's good for you.

Keep striving for "super-mom" status, until it's no longer fun.  Surf pinterest for educational kids crafts, make all your own baby food, get craft happy, make gourmet meals everynight, sew your own baby clothes, keep a sparkling clean home, make all of your own all natural products, write a blog, be an extreme couponer...   All of this for some strange twisted reason is "fun" for us moms... who knows why!  It is like it's ingrained in our nature to want to be the perfect Suzy Homemaker.  All of that is great... until you quit having fun with it and it becomes a pressure or standard to live up to.  No one cares that you have a huge pile of clean clothes that keep moving from the bed, to the chair, to the bed, and back to the chair.  They'll get folded eventually.  And who cares if "take-out night" has turned into "take-out week" lately?  As long as you're happy... your family will be happy, and that's all that matters.


**Thank god for oxytocin and unconditional love... because parenting is hard.  But ask any parent and they will not hesitate to tell you that having kids was the best thing they ever did and they would lay down their life a million times over to ensure their kids were happy and healthy and felt loved.  Just don't ask them during "witching hour".  :)